It is almost the end of the year again and that means it’s not only time for absurd predictions about the year to come (we are all going to be happy and miserable and have hover cars), it is also time for New Year’s resolutions. Obviously, when it comes to self-improvement, there is no better time to start than a randomly decided date that occurs roughly every time we rotate around the sun. But keeping resolutions is hard. And this has nothing to do with the fact that people resolve to do things that are hard, because doing things that are easy takes no resolution; no, it’s because we’re doing it wrong.
Luckily, the Daily Mail is here to help. And for once not by blaming our failure on immigrants or the EU, but with some real advice. And the advice is good, because they enlisted the help of a real professor, Richard Wiseman, Professor of the Public Understand of Psychology. I have no idea what is wrong with the public understanding of psychology, other than that some people consider it a science, but that is besides the point, or it will be the moment I decide what the point is going to be.
You may have heard of Dr Wiseman before; he is the same guy who researched the world’s funniest joke. And ended up with this:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
Which I can confirm is indeed a joke. As I’m not a professor, I’m not qualified to judge whether it’s the world’s funniest, but I’m willing to assume that it is.
Anyway, back to New Year’s resolutions. Why do we fail?
Those who failed tended to dwell on the bad things that would happen, adopted role models to copy and removed temptation from their surroundings – all things advocated by self-help gurus.
Yep, it’s the fault of self-help gurus. Luckily, Dr Wiseman has written a book about how to actually stick with your resolutions. This is obviously not a self-help book, but a cracking novel about the search for inner peace, featuring unicorns, several excellent – though somewhat disturbing – sex scenes and an unexpected plot twist towards the end. Or so I imagine, I don’t read self-help books.
So what are the foolproof
tips? Tip #1 is to break your resolution into smaller, realistic steps
. This makes perfect sense. Realistic goals are better than unrealistic goals and smaller means easier. So, rather than aiming for world domination in 2010 – which is somewhat unrealistic as long as the US has nukes and I don’t – I now plan to only dominate my side of the street. See, that is a lot more realistic and I might actually achieve that.
Tip #2 is rewarding yourself when you achieve a sub-goal.
Again, makes perfect sense. One of my resolutions is to give up smoking, which is hard. However, I now plan to reward myself whenever I do not smoke, by allowing myself to have a cigarette. This makes giving up smoking fun and therefore much easier to maintain.
Tip #3 is to gain the support of family and friends.
That one may be a little trickier, as I tend to be a cynical, sarcastic bastard. However, my friends and family are nice, so I’m sure I can get them on my side. Especially when I promise them cabinet positions when I finally dominate the world, though they may have to settle for street-corner drug dealer in the mean time, as world domination is now planned for 2012.
And the crucial tip is resolutions should not be made at the last moment but thought about carefully for several weeks.
Which really screws up my resolution to be more spontaneous, but there’s no arguing with self-help science.