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Your child may be at risk of uselessness

Shocking new research was published in the Telegraph yesterday: only one in five children can perform “simple tasks like tie a reef knot, read a map or mend a bicycle puncture.” Nor can they perform such simple jobs as cooking a meal, loading a flintlock or operating a loom, though Chinese children are remarkably adept at the latter.

All this is based on a poll performed for the Scouts, apparently now a wholly owned subsidiary of Discovery Networks. As is probably no surprise to anyone who has ever seen me attempt to do anything practical, I have never been a scout. As such, to this day I have problems with such things as tying knots, jerry-rigging bridges and fascism. However, I have managed to get by in my life with only the knowledge of two basic knots (the one for shoelaces and the other one – commonly known, I believe, as the knot – for everything else). If I ever find myself in a situation in which neither of these suffice, I plan to use whatever rope-like material I have at hand and loop it around things and itself a few times (and possible a few more times if I need to be extra sure). If even this doesn’t suffice, I will accept whatever fate has in store for me.

However, I am aware that my life is one of extreme luxury, and that pre-built bridges and those little bits of plastic with metal in them (I bet Scouts know what those are called) that come with bin liners are not generally available to inner-city children. Though a quick scan of the internet did not reveal any child dying of the inability to tie a reef knot, I believe these statistics to be skewed as they exclude the children working on sailing ships in the 17th century who only ever die of this in international waters and therefore do not count towards British statistics.

Wikipedia recommends against using the reef knot due to “potential instability of the knot”. They even quote leading international authority on knots Clifford Ashley as saying: “misused reef knots have caused more deaths and injuries than all other knots combined”, so there is clearly a danger that needs to be addressed. Ashley published his book on knots in 1944 and within a year the global death rate had dropped dramatically, showing that it is both useful and possible to educate people to a level of safe knot usage. However, let me issue this warning to politicians: it will never be possible to completely eliminate all knot-related deaths. Attempting to legislate for this by giving the police unlimited powers will not accomplish this and will only hinder the general populace in their safe and responsible enjoyment of knots. It will only drive knot-tiers underground, into the hands of illegal suppliers of fastening material, thereby removing any form of legal control. US attempts to regulate knot tying have only lead to much more extreme forms of fastening, such as stapling and in some extreme cases even welding.

The scouts have put together a helpful activity pack, which features Discovery Channel’s famous adventurer Bear Grylls and several others I have never heard of because they are not famous on the internet for drinking their own urine. This by itself is a useful skill for children to acquire, as the imminent collapse of capitalism will undoubtedly lead to water becoming the most valuable substance in the world. The activity pack suggests a few activities to practise one’s skills, but unfortunately some seem a bit misguided. For example, it suggests building a dresser using pieces of wood and rope. Anyone with even basic modern survival skills knows that when a flat pack does not contain enough screws a liberal application of long nails is the best solution. Other activities seem more relevant though, and I am certain that modern children will appreciate learning how to build a siege catapult, a skill that undoubtedly will come in handy in future riots.

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Life is what you make it

I live in, quite conceivably, the dullest country in the world. The only thing that makes my work exciting is that I don’t press “Save” as often as I should. My hobbies include (and are mostly limited to) activities that involve sitting. I live in a neighbourhood where a bin facing the wrong direction passes for excitement. In other words, I’m bored. And boring. This is a condition known as “middle class”.

If you’re not English, the concept can be hard to grasp. Wikipedia has an article describing it, but this focuses on sociological aspects and in no way explains why anyone would want to attend a farmers’ market. I don’t think I can fully explain it in any other way than to invite you to read an edition of G2, the Guardian’s weekly magazine. If you have read it and enjoyed learning what is and is not acceptable when fighting on television and have an uncontrollable urge to turn your lounge (middle class for sitting room) into an Oxford common room (a sitting room for posh kids), then congratulations, you too are middle class.

There is nothing wrong with being middle class; in fact, it’s quite nice. There are plenty of cups of tea, with biscuits! And weekend breaks! By train though, to reduce our carbon footprints. But there are downsides. Such as having to pretend to enjoy music made by people we’d never meet in real life because they are living in Africa or poor. Some people are both and unfortunately do not make music. These people make us very uncomfortable and we do everything we can to help them, in the hopes that they too will one day make music. For example, every other year we commemorate Red Nose Day, a solemn day that we spend contemplating the less fortunate. But, by far, the worst part about middle class is the boredom.

There are many ways to deal with this boredom. One way is to pretend to not be middle class and start rioting, but this can quickly turn ugly if people with real complaints show up. (Luckily, no middle class people were injured during the making of these riots, they are all safely back at home having a nice cup of tea). Others may take up exciting hobbies, such as sky diving or paying the mortgage late. But why not just enjoy it? There are many wonderfully dull things to do, all from the comfort of your own Oxford-common-room-styled lounge. And they are all perfectly safe, when done in moderation, of course. They can even make you a great manager (at least I assume that’s the gist of that article, it was quite long and I got distracted thinking about corn half way through).

For example, you could read a bit about queuing, which is in itself a wonderful activity. Or about calendars. For example, did you know that calendar sales in the UK are fairly steady, despite the recession and the invention of the internet? Clearly, a tastefully shot picture of a kitten will still entertain the average Brit for a month, whereas the declining sales in the US show that Americans can now only be entertained by kittens that want to haz cheezburger. According to one of the makers of calendars “running such a business requires a great deal of forward planning,” so another interesting activity might be to write a letter to these people explaining the system of leap years, which should greatly reduce their time to market. And the internet is full of further suggestions, such as watching tv or sleeping.

But, I hear you object, what about the children?! Sitting around enjoying ourselves sleeping is all well and good, but my children get cranky when they are not outside knifing their friends or robbing the elderly of their drugs. Surely a twelve-year-old cannot sit still long enough to read about luggage carrousels? Of course they can, with the correct dosage of ritalin. Please consult your family doctor before experimenting with the dosage, or you might accidentally under-dose, which, if left unattended, could lead to art degrees.

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Don’t mind me, I’m not even here. Or am I…

I stumbled across a site today that offers something that seems to be good to be true. As usual, it is. The site in question is www.thesecretofinvisibility.com, which offers the secret of invisibility for only $24.95. Being no stranger to invisibility (I studied computer science and have found the easiest way to become invisible is to talk about that), I can tell you that this is a scam.

I don’t have any issue with the invisibility offered by the site. The science behind it obviously sound. Consider, for example, the findings of Dr. Faile. Yes, that is the famous Dr. Faile of the Faile effect. Dr Faile noticed partial transparency of otherwise opaque objects. He’s a retired materials research engineer, so he obviously knows what he’s talking about. And in true scientific fashion, his findings have been published in a peer-reviewed publication, Science Hobbyist. I’d never heard of that specific publication, but I’ve recently been focussing on the Daily Mail in a quest to understand the formula behind love, so that is clearly my own fault. Anyway, Science Hobbyist has a starry background and flashing counter, so it must be legit.

Getting back to the Faile effect, let’s look at the scientific underpinning:

Technical correspondents and associates of Dr. Faile in Utah, Florida, and in several regions of Ohio were kept informed about the effect, and attempts were made by all to replicate the original observations. The conclusion arrived at was that the transparency effect COULD be discerned by others, and did seem to be related in it’s magnitude to a number of factors.

That’s right! The effect COULD be discerned by others and seems to be related to a number of factors. Maybe the specific factors are discussed in the article, but it became too technical for me at this point.

But if invisibility if so obviously possible, how come most people don’t know about it? Surely a secret like would be impossible to keep? Well, it turns out there are some practical issues with invisibility. Not only is sight impossible when invisible (unless, of course, you are visible only in the infra-red part of the spectrum or you are a video game character), the bigger problem is: You have a ‘modern’ mind. It’s full of science & stuff. I know my mind is definitely full of science and also of stuff, sometimes even of things too, so this must be why I’m not invisible. It’s all about the mind. If you were told that mermaids are real, you might refuse to believe it. [...] Or maybe astronauts didn’t really walk on the moon. AHA!!! As I explained earlier, the moon landing was a massive scam; the fact that these people are aware of that must mean they are in the know. And I have no reason to doubt invisibility, I quite often don’t see people and who I’m to say they’re not there anyway.

The scam of this site is simply one of value. $24.95 might seem a great price to pay for such a secret. Especially since it comes with a free copy of “The Wizard’s Book of Animal Secrets”. This teaches weird secrets used to control animals, such as how to keep a squirrel in one’s pocket. That in itself is a great secret, as I’ve often wanted to do this, but without fail find my pockets are way too small for a squirrel, especially with a phone and wallet already in there. But no, $24.95 is simply way too much money for this. (Keep in mind this is real US dollars, not those playthings they use in Canada or Australia.) The truth is that invisibility is just a useless skill. (Especially since it is to be used for moral purposes only and why would I pay almost $25 for something that won’t even let me covet my neighbour’s oxen?) True, maybe once upon a time invisibility was a great skill to have, but these days it’s no more than a party trick. To quote everyone who’s ever had an obsolete skill: “they took our jobs!” No, not those illegal immigrants who clean our toilets without being seen; they are invisible only in a social sense. I mean computers.

To spy on people there are wonderful bugging devices the size of something that is very small, smaller even than a pocket-sized squirrel. They are way more practical than invisible people. For one, where I live it’s cold most of the time, and invisibility is a skill best enjoyed naked. Also, my mind tends to wander, so I’m useless when proper surveillance is needed. And for the sexual side of things (it’s not immoral when enjoyed between consenting adults in the privacy of one’s home or cheerleaders’ locker room) there is the internet, which is much more convenient and – more importantly – fake. So no need to sit in that locker room for hours just to hear the cheerleaders discuss problems with their boyfriends, all the while trying to hold that invisible, yet very audible, sneeze.

UPDATE:

As Mr Williams of “The Secret of Invisibility” points out, he offers a money back guarantee if it does not work, so why not give it a try yourself? Also, if you’re interested in further research on invisibility, why not check out the keywords on the bottom of http://www.thesecretofinvisibility.com/preview.php. Be sure to let us know the results.

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Zuid-Holland rocks

The province of Zuid-Holland is not only home to me, but interesting musicians too. The Popunie takes an active role in promoting them and produces a double-CD with some of the most interesting musicians each year. The latest one is already a few months old, but I’ve only now had a chance to properly listen to it. Here are my favourites, in no particular order.

So What

So What – As long as I’m sinning
Myspace

Bombay Show Pig

Coolest drummer ever.
Bombay Show Pig – Ass minkeys
Myspace

Okay, Chris

Okay, Chris – Confusing You
Myspace

You’re the crowd

Even better live with samples in between songs. I want more samples!
You’re the crowd – Intruders
Myspace

The Mirror Conspiracy

The Mirror Conspiracy – Trees
Myspace

The Death Letters

The Death Letters – Schizophrenic
Myspace

Ntjamrosie

Ntjamrosie – Bia Yon
Myspace

Elle Bandita

Elle Bandita – Queen of Fools
Homepage
Myspace

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Blood Red Shoes

Blood red shoes have been around since 2005, but I’ve only recently learned about them, as they’ll be playing at the Lowlands launch party next month (unfortunately sold out). They make what I can only describe as highly danceable grunge, which is great news not only because it is great music, but also because it might mean we’ll finally get a grunge revival that’ll instantly make me fashionably dressed.

They released their debut album “Box Of Secrets” in 2008 and the follow-up “Fire Like This” will be released on March 1st. The first video from the new album is available on their homepage (and below), as well as a free download of another new track.

Samples

Blood Red Shoes - I Wish I Was Someone Better

Blood Red Shoes - Colours Fade

Links

Blood Red Shoes’ homepage

Myspace

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