Shocking new research was published in the Telegraph yesterday: only one in five children can perform “simple tasks like tie a reef knot, read a map or mend a bicycle puncture.” Nor can they perform such simple jobs as cooking a meal, loading a flintlock or operating a loom, though Chinese children are remarkably adept at the latter.

All this is based on a poll performed for the Scouts, apparently now a wholly owned subsidiary of Discovery Networks. As is probably no surprise to anyone who has ever seen me attempt to do anything practical, I have never been a scout. As such, to this day I have problems with such things as tying knots, jerry-rigging bridges and fascism. However, I have managed to get by in my life with only the knowledge of two basic knots (the one for shoelaces and the other one – commonly known, I believe, as the knot – for everything else). If I ever find myself in a situation in which neither of these suffice, I plan to use whatever rope-like material I have at hand and loop it around things and itself a few times (and possible a few more times if I need to be extra sure). If even this doesn’t suffice, I will accept whatever fate has in store for me.

However, I am aware that my life is one of extreme luxury, and that pre-built bridges and those little bits of plastic with metal in them (I bet Scouts know what those are called) that come with bin liners are not generally available to inner-city children. Though a quick scan of the internet did not reveal any child dying of the inability to tie a reef knot, I believe these statistics to be skewed as they exclude the children working on sailing ships in the 17th century who only ever die of this in international waters and therefore do not count towards British statistics.

Wikipedia recommends against using the reef knot due to “potential instability of the knot”. They even quote leading international authority on knots Clifford Ashley as saying: “misused reef knots have caused more deaths and injuries than all other knots combined”, so there is clearly a danger that needs to be addressed. Ashley published his book on knots in 1944 and within a year the global death rate had dropped dramatically, showing that it is both useful and possible to educate people to a level of safe knot usage. However, let me issue this warning to politicians: it will never be possible to completely eliminate all knot-related deaths. Attempting to legislate for this by giving the police unlimited powers will not accomplish this and will only hinder the general populace in their safe and responsible enjoyment of knots. It will only drive knot-tiers underground, into the hands of illegal suppliers of fastening material, thereby removing any form of legal control. US attempts to regulate knot tying have only lead to much more extreme forms of fastening, such as stapling and in some extreme cases even welding.

The scouts have put together a helpful activity pack, which features Discovery Channel’s famous adventurer Bear Grylls and several others I have never heard of because they are not famous on the internet for drinking their own urine. This by itself is a useful skill for children to acquire, as the imminent collapse of capitalism will undoubtedly lead to water becoming the most valuable substance in the world. The activity pack suggests a few activities to practise one’s skills, but unfortunately some seem a bit misguided. For example, it suggests building a dresser using pieces of wood and rope. Anyone with even basic modern survival skills knows that when a flat pack does not contain enough screws a liberal application of long nails is the best solution. Other activities seem more relevant though, and I am certain that modern children will appreciate learning how to build a siege catapult, a skill that undoubtedly will come in handy in future riots.

I stumbled across a site today that offers something that seems to be good to be true. As usual, it is. The site in question is www.thesecretofinvisibility.com, which offers the secret of invisibility for only $24.95. Being no stranger to invisibility (I studied computer science and have found the easiest way to become invisible is to talk about that), I can tell you that this is a scam.

I don’t have any issue with the invisibility offered by the site. The science behind it obviously sound. Consider, for example, the findings of Dr. Faile. Yes, that is the famous Dr. Faile of the Faile effect. Dr Faile noticed partial transparency of otherwise opaque objects. He’s a retired materials research engineer, so he obviously knows what he’s talking about. And in true scientific fashion, his findings have been published in a peer-reviewed publication, Science Hobbyist. I’d never heard of that specific publication, but I’ve recently been focussing on the Daily Mail in a quest to understand the formula behind love, so that is clearly my own fault. Anyway, Science Hobbyist has a starry background and flashing counter, so it must be legit.

Getting back to the Faile effect, let’s look at the scientific underpinning:

Technical correspondents and associates of Dr. Faile in Utah, Florida, and in several regions of Ohio were kept informed about the effect, and attempts were made by all to replicate the original observations. The conclusion arrived at was that the transparency effect COULD be discerned by others, and did seem to be related in it’s magnitude to a number of factors.

That’s right! The effect COULD be discerned by others and seems to be related to a number of factors. Maybe the specific factors are discussed in the article, but it became too technical for me at this point.

But if invisibility if so obviously possible, how come most people don’t know about it? Surely a secret like would be impossible to keep? Well, it turns out there are some practical issues with invisibility. Not only is sight impossible when invisible (unless, of course, you are visible only in the infra-red part of the spectrum or you are a video game character), the bigger problem is: You have a ‘modern’ mind. It’s full of science & stuff. I know my mind is definitely full of science and also of stuff, sometimes even of things too, so this must be why I’m not invisible. It’s all about the mind. If you were told that mermaids are real, you might refuse to believe it. [...] Or maybe astronauts didn’t really walk on the moon. AHA!!! As I explained earlier, the moon landing was a massive scam; the fact that these people are aware of that must mean they are in the know. And I have no reason to doubt invisibility, I quite often don’t see people and who I’m to say they’re not there anyway.

The scam of this site is simply one of value. $24.95 might seem a great price to pay for such a secret. Especially since it comes with a free copy of “The Wizard’s Book of Animal Secrets”. This teaches weird secrets used to control animals, such as how to keep a squirrel in one’s pocket. That in itself is a great secret, as I’ve often wanted to do this, but without fail find my pockets are way too small for a squirrel, especially with a phone and wallet already in there. But no, $24.95 is simply way too much money for this. (Keep in mind this is real US dollars, not those playthings they use in Canada or Australia.) The truth is that invisibility is just a useless skill. (Especially since it is to be used for moral purposes only and why would I pay almost $25 for something that won’t even let me covet my neighbour’s oxen?) True, maybe once upon a time invisibility was a great skill to have, but these days it’s no more than a party trick. To quote everyone who’s ever had an obsolete skill: “they took our jobs!” No, not those illegal immigrants who clean our toilets without being seen; they are invisible only in a social sense. I mean computers.

To spy on people there are wonderful bugging devices the size of something that is very small, smaller even than a pocket-sized squirrel. They are way more practical than invisible people. For one, where I live it’s cold most of the time, and invisibility is a skill best enjoyed naked. Also, my mind tends to wander, so I’m useless when proper surveillance is needed. And for the sexual side of things (it’s not immoral when enjoyed between consenting adults in the privacy of one’s home or cheerleaders’ locker room) there is the internet, which is much more convenient and – more importantly – fake. So no need to sit in that locker room for hours just to hear the cheerleaders discuss problems with their boyfriends, all the while trying to hold that invisible, yet very audible, sneeze.

UPDATE:

As Mr Williams of “The Secret of Invisibility” points out, he offers a money back guarantee if it does not work, so why not give it a try yourself? Also, if you’re interested in further research on invisibility, why not check out the keywords on the bottom of http://www.thesecretofinvisibility.com/preview.php. Be sure to let us know the results.