Shocking new research was published in the Telegraph yesterday: only one in five children can perform “simple tasks like tie a reef knot, read a map or mend a bicycle puncture.” Nor can they perform such simple jobs as cooking a meal, loading a flintlock or operating a loom, though Chinese children are remarkably adept at the latter.
All this is based on a poll performed for the Scouts, apparently now a wholly owned subsidiary of Discovery Networks. As is probably no surprise to anyone who has ever seen me attempt to do anything practical, I have never been a scout. As such, to this day I have problems with such things as tying knots, jerry-rigging bridges and fascism. However, I have managed to get by in my life with only the knowledge of two basic knots (the one for shoelaces and the other one – commonly known, I believe, as the knot – for everything else). If I ever find myself in a situation in which neither of these suffice, I plan to use whatever rope-like material I have at hand and loop it around things and itself a few times (and possible a few more times if I need to be extra sure). If even this doesn’t suffice, I will accept whatever fate has in store for me.
However, I am aware that my life is one of extreme luxury, and that pre-built bridges and those little bits of plastic with metal in them (I bet Scouts know what those are called) that come with bin liners are not generally available to inner-city children. Though a quick scan of the internet did not reveal any child dying of the inability to tie a reef knot, I believe these statistics to be skewed as they exclude the children working on sailing ships in the 17th century who only ever die of this in international waters and therefore do not count towards British statistics.
Wikipedia recommends against using the reef knot due to “potential instability of the knot”. They even quote leading international authority on knots Clifford Ashley as saying: “misused reef knots have caused more deaths and injuries than all other knots combined”, so there is clearly a danger that needs to be addressed. Ashley published his book on knots in 1944 and within a year the global death rate had dropped dramatically, showing that it is both useful and possible to educate people to a level of safe knot usage. However, let me issue this warning to politicians: it will never be possible to completely eliminate all knot-related deaths. Attempting to legislate for this by giving the police unlimited powers will not accomplish this and will only hinder the general populace in their safe and responsible enjoyment of knots. It will only drive knot-tiers underground, into the hands of illegal suppliers of fastening material, thereby removing any form of legal control. US attempts to regulate knot tying have only lead to much more extreme forms of fastening, such as stapling and in some extreme cases even welding.
The scouts have put together a helpful activity pack, which features Discovery Channel’s famous adventurer Bear Grylls and several others I have never heard of because they are not famous on the internet for drinking their own urine. This by itself is a useful skill for children to acquire, as the imminent collapse of capitalism will undoubtedly lead to water becoming the most valuable substance in the world. The activity pack suggests a few activities to practise one’s skills, but unfortunately some seem a bit misguided. For example, it suggests building a dresser using pieces of wood and rope. Anyone with even basic modern survival skills knows that when a flat pack does not contain enough screws a liberal application of long nails is the best solution. Other activities seem more relevant though, and I am certain that modern children will appreciate learning how to build a siege catapult, a skill that undoubtedly will come in handy in future riots.
