Patrick Simpson

As you’re no doubt aware, Japan has just undergone its biggest shift in power since it was nuked into the peaceful nation we have all come to love. The Japanese ditched the governing Liberal Democratic Party and rallied behind the Democratic Party of Japan, who promise a radically similar form of bland conservatism. Of course, a new party means a new leader: Yukio Hatoyama, who you may remember as a member of parliament for the LDP.

The new politics may not differ much from the old, but the new leader certainly does! To quote The Independent: his appearance is unconventional by rigid Japanese standards: his hair is unruly and he rejects the navy uniform of the political world in favour of suits of brown and moss green. No, that is not a typo, he wears moss green suits! This can only mean the Japanese are shedding their image of dullness and about to turn into a nation of freaks.

But all is not lost. Luckily, Mr Hatoyama is married to a more normal woman: Miyuki, who is sure to limit his zaniness. And what a catch she is! To quote Mr Hatoyama: The average man chooses his mate from among unmarried women, I chose mine from among all women. She describes herself as a “life composer”, so she will surely manage to control Mr Hatoyama’s life.

Ms Hatoyama has all the makings of a First Lady. She is interested in fashion, so look out Michelle Obama. She also has more mundane interests, such as vegetable picking.  And who doesn’t enjoy that? Just yesterday I was trying to pick a carrot and I had hours of fun! The swimwear round showed no clear winner, but luckily carrot #5 was outstanding in the interview round. I have never heard such an eloquent discourse on the influence of facial hair on the construction of skyscrapers in rural China and I fear I never may again.

And, as The Independent reports, Ms Hatoyama is also an author. She has published an autobiographical book, entitled “Very strange things I have encountered,” which I assume is all about her husband’s moss green suits.

Some people have felt the need to ridicule Ms Hatoyama after her book was published. One thing they seem especially picky about is the fact that she claims to have been abducted by aliens: While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus, it was a very beautiful place, and it was very green. Sure, not everybody believes aliens exist, but what other explanation can there be for seeing Venus while one’s body is asleep? And I’ve never been to Venus, so who am I to say it is not very green.

Ms Hatoyama also claims to have known Tom Cruise in a former live. And, of course, not everybody believes in reincarnation, but the evidence is overwhelming. For example, she says Tom Cruise was Japanese in his former live. How could she possibly know this if she’d not met him?

Clearly, there is a conspiracy going on to make Ms Hatoyama look bad. This can only be the work of the existing First Ladies, who are trying to hide their own insanity. And they are a crazy bunch. For example, Margarita Zavala – the current First Lady of Mexico – has a law degree and is a former member of congress. Wacko. But the real price goes to Carla Bruni, First Lady of France. She’s married to Nicolas Sarkozy.

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