Patrick Simpson

Imagine the following scene: it is a wonderful sunny Saturday evening and you’re having a meal and some drinks in Amsterdam and generally having a lovely time. The one thing spoiling it is your friend’s production of snot. We’re not just talking about a runny nose here, we’re talking about seas of snot so plentiful that people are committing suicide just to avoid the horror of drowning in it. Which is just as bad as normal drowning, but has the added embarrassment that can only otherwise come from waking up on a Sunday morning and finding a ticket stub to an R&B gig in your pocket. Or so one imagines.

At some point the friend – who we shall call Mark to protect his identity – says: I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been like this for a few weeks and I’m not really ill. It started when spring started. Of course, my first thought was that he is one of those people that get swine flu and let it gestate comfortably into a killer zombie virus without the sense of social responsibility to die. But no, it is hay fever. Blatantly obviously, it is hay fever. Or as The Times describes it: As you will know, hay fever is a seasonal allergic reaction to various pollens and can cause anything from a blocked and runny nose to itchy, watery eyes, copious amounts of sneezing, and if you are unlucky, all of these. As you will know.

So, we have established that he has hay fever, or as he has now dubbed it “weakness flu”. Because, let’s face it, hay fever is not for the strong. You’re pretty much just allergic to the world, or to put it differently, the world is trying to kill you. But no problem, there is always medical science. And The Times advice column, which this week offers some dietary guidelines to reduce the effects of hay fever. The first useful piece of advice is to eat more quercetin, or as normal people would call it: fruit and veg. This has the additional side-effect of making you healthier, preventing conditions like the flu and death. Another of your allies is vitamin C, or as normal people would call it: fruit and veg. Also helpful: fish. Do you see a pattern emerging here? No? Healthy foods are good for your health. Remember, you read it here first.

Apparently, sipping herbal tea is also good. For you hay fever, not for your image if you’re a strapping young lad. But let’s face it, you’ve got weakness flu anyway. And as you’re now going down the healthy path, why not follow one of the commenters’ bits of advice and avoid wheat products. Or, as they are known to you and me: beer, vodka and other forms of alcohol. You can drink herbal tea instead. I hear lavender is very soothing.

Of course the real solution is total domination over nature. Nature is the enemy. We live in cities because nature sucks. Ever tried getting a decent drink in a forest? Exactly. So, we need to completely destroy nature and start from scratch, using no natural materials whatsoever. Well, we’ll have loads of wood left, but we’ll coat it beyond any possible recognition. So Mark, I look forward to the invitation to your house warming party for your new place in Lelystad. And sorry, but I’m washing my hair that day.