Patrick Simpson

I have never been to the USA, but if I ever do get there, the last thing I’d expect to see roaming the streets is an elephant. That by itself is not a real problem; many countries do fine without elephants. But a lot of those countries do not have prominent political parties that use the elephant as a mascot. Though there may be a perfectly valid history behind this logo, I find it a bit unusual that an American party that focusses purely on American interests would have as its logo an animal that is only found in America in circuses. Make up your own joke about American politics being a circus.

The coat of arms of The Netherlands has a similar problem: it contains two lions. According to Wikipedia (and for the purposes of this post, I will assume Wikipedia to be Truth), lions haven’t been native to Western Europe for about 10,000 years^{[citation needed]}. What is this supposed to symbolise? We’re such a ferocious and warrior-like nation that none of the animals we normally encounter are good enough? Have you ever been to The Netherlands? The omnipresent cow – forever stoned-looking and docile – would have been a much more appropriate choice. Sure, it’s not as impressive as a lion, but then, neither are we.

England’s coat of arms trumps the Dutch, with three (slightly retarded-looking) lions. But, like in access to higher education and public services, the Scottisch trump the English: non-existing animals! The unicorn may be even more ferocious than the lion, but – and I cannot emphasise this enough – it does not exist. Neither do angels (no, they bloody do not!), griffins, or – for all I know – Östergötland. Now, I don’t mind a bit of imagination, but once we let go of the real, why not be even more imaginative? Albania’s double-headed road kill is a step in the right direction. It also features Bender in a wizard’s hat peeping through a rectangular wormhole; I love Albania! On the other hand, Germany has an eagle that is actually native to Germany, boring. Why not adopt Optimus Prime as their mascot, to show off their industrial nature and love of overweight cars?

But the real price will be the European coat of arms. Now non-existent, once the europhile’s dream comes true and we are all once again enslavedunited by a French or German dictator, we shall all live in harmony, proudly displaying the coat of arms on  all official buildings. So it had better be good. May I suggest a variation on the Flying Spaghetti Monster? We Europeans already have a fine history of religious intolerance. And it is made from Italian pasta and Swedish meatballs, so we’ll only have to add 23 more national foodstuffs to reach a compromise that is so stupid everyone will love it. Or 24 if Iceland is fast-tracked, but I say only countries with viable economies get to vote. Irish potatoes, English custard, Dutch cheese; see it’s easy…