Patrick Simpson

Environmentalists protesting against a third runway at Heathrow – really, this backwards little airport only has two runways – reached a new low today as they threw green custard in Business Secretary Peter Mandelson’s face. Really?! Like it’s not bad enough wasting England’s only decent contribution to the world  of food, you have to add insult to injury and make it green too? Why? For goodness sake, why?

After the attack, the protestor joked I am sure Mandelson would have preferred it if it was guacamole. Which has accomplished that ultimate rarity: a sentence in which I cannot find a joke. It is an urban legend that Mr. Mandelson – on a work visit to a fish and chips shop – mistook mushy pees for guacamole. If you’re not English, you’re probably wondering what mushy pees are. Exactly. The only thing this incident would prove, were it true, was that Mandelson is capable of recognizing food rather than the things eaten in England. Oh, and now I understand why it had to be green: to look like mushy pees. So now the question is: why not mushy pees? They naturally look like mushy pees. And they are very easy to come by in England. Are they protected? Do pees have feelings too, even after being mushed? Of course, all of this would have been funny only if the protest was about Mandelson being a posh, stuck-up twat. Which is worth a protest.

The protester was not arrested, largely due to the fact that throwing custard in someone’s face is not a crime. Former Deputy Primer Minister John Prescott called for the protester’s arrest. Which begs the question: why John Prescott? Was he handily, but suspiciously, around at the time of the incident? Did he ring in with his opinion? Do you not have caller id? When does someone stop being former Deputy Prime Minister and go back to being good-old pugilistic two-jags that we love to hate?

Reaction to the incident largely focussed on the lack of security around Mr. Mandelson. This is unfair on the security people involved. I’m sure they are busy investigating real threats against Mr. Mandelson and are closely monitoring the sale of silver bullets.