One of the small pleasures in my life – besides eating apple pie with ice cream and fox hunting – is to look at the google analytics report for my blog and see which search queries have lead people to my site. To learn more about my readership, obviously. Not to laugh at them. That would be cruel.
As you’d expect, most people come to my blog by googling me. That’s just how famous I am. People google me literally times a day. Some days. Apparently there is also another Patrick Simpson, who is a con artist of some description, given the number of times my name appears together with the terms “scam” or “rip-off” (and I’ve just realised this post is going to make this happen even more often). I can hereby assure you I am not a scam, I am the real thing.
A disturbing number of people come here looking for pictures of me and donkeys. I’m not really sure how this happened, I detagged myself immediately when I saw those pictures. Apparently the internet really does not forget. And as my public service to you: Donkeyman is called Simpson Kirkpatrick. His blog sucks.
Many of you – especially the Americans – seem to be terrified of disasters, and are looking to learn how to survive them. I applaud your foresight, but would really like to point out that this blog is not intended to convey any serious or useful information on disaster survival. But, since you are my readers and I love you all, here is another useful bit of advice: learn to appreciate the taste of human flesh, because now North Korea has both nukes and long-range missiles you guys are pretty much fucked.
Another area in which I should not be considered an authority is medicine. I really cannot help the person who asked “if I were having a heart attack would my blood pressure rise?” However, I would like to compliment you on the use of the subjunctive mood to indicate you are asking about a hypothetical heart attack, to prevent me from worrying about you. If it helps, I suspect hypothetical heart attacks rarely kill people, so why not worry about nuclear winter instead? And don’t let them learn about your weakness, or the barbarians will eat you first.
Someone would like to know “how do you know if someone is a psychopath?” I honestly do not know. I could google it, but the internet is really full of useles information, so I won’t bother. So, let’s just apply some common sense. I would look for subtle clues, such as unexplained body parts in the freezer, or an obsession with cannabilism. Another piece of advice I can give you is that perhaps the fact that you are curious about this may indicate you are dealing with some weird people. If you are the same person that googled “examples of 3 reaons why I want to marry you,” I would suggest that “not a psychopath (unconfirmed)” does not really count.
Some of you are utterly obsessed with baldness. Which is ironic, because I used to have thick, long, luscious hair until I shaved it all off because I couldn’t be bothered with the maintenance. Yeah, life just isn’t fair, is it? To the person who asked “what can I use if I’m bald”, I would advise a pot scraper. I works wonderfully well for cleaning pots and if anyone tells you you can’t use it because you’re bald they’re lying. Oh, and just a word of warning: people with hair have to be shaved before they can be barbecued. Just saying.
This being the internet, 90% of the search queries are related to sex. Especially the combination of Hannah Montana and sex seems to be very popular. Sick bastards! You know she’s eight, right? And that is not the only illegal search term. In fact, I would say hardly any of them are legal in large parts of the world. Except here in The Netherlands, of course. And mister “sex teenage girl free owm;oad”: BOTH HANDS MUST BE ON THE KEYBOARD AT ALL TIMES!
Luckily some of you show a commendable level of reflection, googling things like “am I a pervert?” I really do not know, but if you think google might have some evidence on this, I would think you probably are a pervert, yes. In which case I can reccomend the pictures of donkeys and Hannah Montana in the members’ section. And to the person who asked “what to call an old pervert”: stop sending me pictures of you and underage girls, Mr Berlusconi. And yes, you are bald. And a psychopath. And at your age, you really should be worried about heart attacks.
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