Patrick Simpson

The BBC offers five useful tips on how to survive a disaster. As I have large amounts of experience not dying in disasters, I can help.

1. Assess the risk

While many of us are afraid of flying, very few fear driving even though we’re much more likely to die on the roads than we are in a plane crash. Even fewer of us might consider falling a risk, but in 2007 falling (like falling out of bed or down stairs) killed about 400 more people in England and Wales than land transport accidents.

There are two things to take away from this: when you do find yourself in a plane crash, be assured that you are in a rarer accident than if you’d been in a car crash; you are special. And either a lot of people die falling out of beds (onto land mines? into crocodile pits? how in gods name does one die falling out of bed?), or there is just not that much land being transported in England and Wales. Or perhaps it’s being transported very safely, thanks to European health and safety guidelines. And why are the Scottish so much better at getting out of bed safely? I know we don’t get along that well, but if we ask nicely, perhaps they would be willing to give us some tips?

I must also strongly recommend NOT assessing the risk at the actual moment of disaster. Yes, it would have been safer to call your Scottish friends and have them guide you out of bed, but on the way down you really must focus on landing safely. There will be plenty of time to blame yourself later. At least until you get to the stairs.

2. React quickly

In his analysis of the evacuation of the World Trade Center on September 11 [Professor Ed Galea found some people] waited up to 40 minutes after the planes hit before leaving, finishing e-mails, filing things away, shutting down computers and even going to the toilet before evacuating.

On the one hand, as a computer professional, I am happy that shutting down computers safely has become such a habit. On the other hand, I would like to point out that, most likely, nobody but you really cares about the contents of your hard drive. And you are dead. Can you see how to improve this situation? That’s right: get yourself an assistant to shut down your computer for you. When a disaster is not imminent, he/she can make tea.

Oh, and I must insist that people continue to go to the toilet before evacuating. It’s just not polite to do that in your office.

3. Expect mind games

Many survivors also report a phenomenon called time distortion – most commonly seeing events unfold in slow-motion.

If this happens – and this is VERY important – you have cracked the Matrix. Make the most of it. Don’t waste your valuable time escaping to safety; you are God now. Fly. Create a universe to worship you and let them descend into chaos when you bore of them. Unleash your wrath on Katy Perry. The world is yours! But whatever you do, DO NOT LET KATY PERRY ESCAPE!

4. Prepare for the worst

Experts are agreed that the best way to avoid freezing and increasing your chances of survival is preparation. And while you may not be able to take part in formal training exercises, there are still things you can do to prepare.

And how better to prepare than to practice? Try to be in non-lethal disasters as often as possible; you’ll find yourself reacting better every time.

5. Be confident

We have cases where you have a weaker, slower, less intelligent person survives while right beside them you have a smarter stronger faster person who doesn’t. And the difference you find is that the person who survived, their self-confidence was higher.

Whatever you do: DO NOT stop for the psychology undergrad who wants to assess your self-confidence. And I’d like to disclaim any responsibility for the grammar in that citation; it was abused as a child.

My additional tip 1. Avoid disaster

How many times did Osama bin Laden die in Ql-Qaeda strikes? That’s right, NEVER! The best way to survive a disaster is to avoid being in it. And how better to do that than to organise them yourself? And it doesn’t just apply to terrorism. Forest fires, car accidents; you can cause a lot of things. Earthquakes and tornadoes are harder and best left to experienced professionals.

My additional tip 2. Be a survivor

When confronted with disaster, many people make the mistake of helping others. This is wrong. It takes time and it messes up your odds of being the only survivor. And to improve your odds, don’t stop at just not helping. For the best chance of survival, you may have to sacrifice others. If nature would have wanted other people to survive, it would not have made them so susceptible to passing out after being hit over the head with a fire extinguisher. You’re only helping humanity evolve into a species that can climb out of bed safely.