Patrick Simpson

All good papers feature an advice column, where people can get advice on the important choices in their lives. That advice generally sucks, so as a service to mankind, I will offer better advice. This week’s entry is from the Times.

I have been happily married for 30 years; I do love my wife but recently I’ve noticed that I am finding much younger women increasingly attractive; in particular one 20-year-old who works in my office; I don’t view her as a potential conquest but I am definitely more excitable in her company and sometimes I find myself making inappropriate sexual remarks. Am I having a midlife crisis?

At 55, the odds that you are having a mid-life crisis are very slim, unless you have been living very healthily or are genetically very lucky.

The fact that you are finding much younger women increasingly attractive is simply due to the fact that you are getting older and women are still most physically attractive when they are young. You see, when people tell you that beauty is only skin-deep, they are simply lying. If you’re lucky they’re your friends and they are lying to make you feel better, but most likely they’re lying to make themselves feel better, also being old and not as attractive as they used to be.

You have been married for 30 years, which means your wife is now 30 years older than when you married her and also 30 years less physically attractive. She may be very sweet, make great conversation and be very entertaining, but none of that matters if you’re a superficial old man. It may help to know that your wife probably finds younger men more attractive than you, too.

You are excited by one woman in particular. She is probably just very attractive and excites a lot of the men in your office; not viewing her as a potential conquest is probably wise, unless you’re in a position of power and not afraid to use it. You find yourself making inappropriate sexual remarks. Perhaps you are just a pig? Why not just stop making those remarks?

You do still love your wife, so you could just accept that you find other women attractive and not act upon it – this is called decency. You could also divorce your wife and buy a sports car. Or cheat on her. I don’t really care, lead your own life.