Patrick Simpson

The Guardian, ever at the forefront of British news, published the official government plans in case of a nuclear attack during the cold war.

Although some of the plans have been revealed before – including earlier this year the scripts that would have been broadcast by the BBC in the event of a nuclear war, instructing the public not to panic. This is absolutely vital. The only way to survive a direct nuclear hit, is to not panic. This is where the stiff upper lip really comes in handy. Those histrionic French would crumble at the first strike, with their screaming, crying and exploding, but not the Brits! Be sure to say “that’s a bore” the moment that 50 megaton explosion hits, to avoid wrinkling your suit.

The plans all assumed that the confrontation would be with the Soviet Union. That would have been my guess in the cold war, but that is probably just the benefit of hindsight. But it does show the kind of risks the British were exposed to in the cold war. What if it had been Guernsey? They speak French there; that does not sound very patriotic to me. And Britain is responsible for their defence, so we know they have access to nukes. And they’re not even part of the EU! We need to stop them before it is to late! Nuke Guernsey! Now!

Hennessy, professor of contemporary history at Queen Mary University of London, told the BBC’s Today programme: “The surprise really is the width and magnitude of it – 16 chapters to get the nation from a peacetime footing to a total war footing. Amateurs! Bush and Blair managed to do that with a single PowerPoint presentation.

There are indications that aspects of the arrangements have been adapted for use during other, domestic, emergencies since the cold war. For example, when Susan Boyle headed for the Priory, the government set in action its secret plan, which involved the honourable prime minister showing his compassion for the singer.  In case of a nuclear attack, I imagine the plan would not be exactly the same, but instead would involve the prime hiding in his bunker, wetting himself while listening to Susan Boyle, constantly shouting he could fix everything if people would just get behind him.

The country would have been divided into 12 regions, each governed by cabinet ministers with wide powers, aided by senior military officers, chief constables and judges and based in bunkers. Other senior figures would have retreated to a central government shelter under the Cotswolds. Such foresight. It is vital that the country remains governed, especially in case of a nuclear emergency. Just imagine the chaos that would ensue if the government were to stop functioning, especially keeping in mind that everyone is dead.

So, if Guernsey does decide to attack, the plans are in order. The downside is that the new Britain will be built by Brown and Mandelson, which will justify the second round of attacks by everyone that is left. The upside is that new labour will finally have managed to cut the NHS’ waiting lists.