The Times helpfully busts some of the lies about childbirth. Unfortunately, they’re wrong. Having been born myself, I’m in an excellent position to correct some of these lies.
Lie #1: It doesn’t matter if she gets fat, the weight will drop off afterwards, especially if she breastfeeds.
Truth: Her stomach will never be the same again, not even if she goes to the gym every day [..] and observes a strict vegan diet.
Real truth: It doesn’t matter. It is well known that babies in the womb feed on the part of the brain that makes women interesting. After the baby is born, the mother will only be able to have conversations about how magical childbirth is and how poop doesn’t really stink that much if it is your own child. Besides, she will be too tired to maintain anything resembling a social life. If she gets really fat, she can always show a video of the birth to fully stop people caring.
Lie #2: The birth itself isn’t that bad, and anyway your body is biologically programmed to forget the pain.
Truth: [Midwives] don’t always get it right, there will be more blood and bodily fluids than an episode of CSI Miami, and having half the world staring at your most intimate parts while you make noises like a demented pig is not, in any sense of the word, empowering.
Real truth: Like everything concerning childbirth, I detect a bit of hyperbole. Half the world staring at your most intimate parts while you make noises like a demented pig only happens if you post a video of your last night out on youtube. Yes, the NHS is severely mismanaged to the point where only people from third-world countries will work for it, but there will be no more than ten nationalities represented at most. Yes, the midwife is probably high on the drugs she won’t let you have. Yes, you will excrete every part of your body that is not tightly connected to the other parts, but there is just not enough of you to beat an episode of CSI. But, if childbirth was difficult, there wouldn’t be six billion of us by now; so it’ll come out, somehow.
Lie #3: Breastfeeding can be a little tricky to start with, but in the end she’ll get the hang of it.
Truth: Breastfeeding can be very hard indeed, [..] old ladies will give you horrid stares if you try to do it in public, [..] and your breasts, like your stomach, will never really recover.
Real truth: But men will stop caring about your stomach the moment you pop them out in public!
Lie #4: You get used to not having as much sleep as you used to.
Truth: You will go insane with sleep deprivation. [..] Even the hardiest of military men were reduced to wrecks after three days of no sleep in Japanese prisoner of war camps.
Real truth: but even after this and being tortured by the Japanese – and yes, this really is more painful than childbirth – they could still manage a ‘goo goo, who’s a purrty baby then’.
Lie #5: The experience of looking after a newborn can really bring two people together.
Truth: In the back of your mind will be the sneaking suspicion that he is spending longer and longer in the office because he would almost rather be anywhere than at home sterilising bottles and dealing with a frazzled you and a wailing babe.
Real truth: Is does bring two people together. But these people are the father and his secretary.
And keep in mind: if you’d had the child ten years earlier, it wouldn’t have hurt so much, your stomach and breasts would have recovered, you could have dealt with the sleep deprevation and you would be young enough to have a life and meet someone new when then child gets older. Oh, that doesn’t help?
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