According to Australian anthropologist Peter McAllister’s book “Manthropology”, modern man is a wimp. In the book, Mr McAllister points out that prehistoric Australian Aboriginals could have outrun the current world-record holder on the 100m, Tutsi men could jump higher than the current high-jump world-record and that any Neanderthal woman could have beaten Arnold Schwarzenegger in an arm wrestle.
The book’s subtitle describes the gist of Mr McAllister’s point: “The Science of the Inadequate Modern Male.” Or so I assume. I have no interest in reading a book that points out how inadequate I am as a male; for that I go on dates. To reiterate the point, the book opens with:
If you’re reading this then you are the worst man in history.
Which I find a bit unfair. Mr McAllister has never even met me and has no idea what I do to kittens. Besides, there is always Tony Blair, who does not believe in science and – I am fairly sure – cannot read. On the other hand, it could just show that Mr McAllister has a great insight into the kind of people that read books written by people who think anthropology is a science.
I’m willing to accept the thesis that most ancient men and women can kick my arse, largely because most modern men and women can kick my arse. And they do things like accountancy and jazz-dance rather than hunting tigers and clubbing each other to death. My problem is that Mr McAllister seems to think this knowledge is somehow relevant.
Let me give you an idea of what I did today. I got out of bed, had a shower, got dressed, made coffee and got some croissants at the bakery, read my paper, did some cleaning, renewed my phone subscription and listened to music. Did you notice the absence of things involving running, jumping or arm-wrestling? Sure, I could have saved a minute by running to the bakery, but I wasn’t in a hurry. So yes, any Neanderthal woman could probably beat me at arm-wrestling, but I’d like to see any of them save a tenner month by switching to a cheaper phone plan.
There is of course always the possibility that one of my experiments goes horribly wrong and I open up a time vortex in which we and the Neanderthals coexist. In that case we’re fucked. I do apologise for this eventuality. The upside is that this time vortex will probably also include killer robots from the future who have become sentient and are therefore thoroughly pissed off with humanity. If history is anything to go by, I’d choose a swift clubbing to death over whatever means the future has in store to torture and kill me.
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