Patrick Simpson

Your Majesties, Your Royal Highnesses, Excellencies, Distinguished members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee,

I am deeply grateful for the distinguished prize awarded to me and specifically for the 10 million Swedish kronor associated with it. Surely, winning this prize is a great honour, but no amount of honour will prevent me from having to get up for work tomorrow. I’m hoping the Swedish kronor is a real currency and will yield me enough Euros to retire on.

I must admit that being awarded this prize came as somewhat of a shock to me. Like the next man, I smile apologetically at homeless immigrants when I pretend not to have any change for them, but I had expected higher standards were required for this prize. Sure, in the past the prize has been awarded to a woman who claimed AIDS was invented by Western scientists to decimate the African population and to the Supreme Overlord of the warmongers, Henry Kissinger, but at least they were politically active and acting out of a – perhaps misguided, but at least earnest- sense of idealism. Most Nobel Laureates try hard to change the world, often at great expense to themselves. In awarding me this prize, the committee has once again displayed a deep insight into human nature. Clearly, the fact that I have not obtained any means by which to change the world, is the greatest contribution I could ever make to world peace. I also thank the committee for kindly overlooking the fact that this impotence is primarily due to laziness rather than any kind of benevolence.

The Nobel Prizes were of course instituted by Dr Alfred Nobel – the inventor of dynamite and manufacturer of  arms – as a way to buy himself a more favourable legacy than the one in his prematurely published obituary: Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday. How astute then of the committee to award me this prize, as I too believe that genocide is – besides an obvious and copious opportunity for personal gain – the best way to achieve world peace. Of course, painless solutions to the problems of our time would be most welcome, but I have not seen any being suggested. Why then not remove the cause of all of humanity’s problems?

In this vein, I would like to finish by once again most sincerely thanking the committee, for providing me with both enough funds and, through the laureates and other dignitaries I have become acquainted with as a result of being awarded this prize, the connections required to finally begin to pursue my nuclear ambitions in earnest. Rest assured that when my nuclear “deterrent” is operational, I will – like Dr Nobel and Dr Kissinger would – use it only for the pursuit of peace, which – like Dr Nobel and Dr Kissinger – I take to mean the advancement of my personal ambitions. Thank you!