Patrick Simpson

This time some men’s health myths from the kings of bad advice, The Times.

Myth: Men don’t use health services as much as women

Women do use health services more than men, but that’s because they have more reason to. [..] You’ll find that at least 60 per cent of the apparent male v female difference in doctor door-stepping vanishes.

So, after subtracting 60% from something that leaves – ooh let me think, 100 minus 60, that’s 0, 4, borrow one monkey, 0 – that’s 40%. Or, as statisticians would say, ’significant’. Or, as both Gordon Brown and David Cameron would say, ‘good old times‘. Or, as the Dutch would say, a low tax rate. And this must mean that women spend 60% of their time having babies and gender-specific cancers.

Myth: Men should regularly examine their testicles

Thankfully, testicular cancer is even rarer than Saturday appointments; [..] it usually produces a symptom, a heaviness, ache or obvious swelling, to draw your attention to it.

Whereas the odds of finding something harmless, a cyst, swollen veins, normal bits of gristle, are high.

Duh. If it is an obvious swelling, it is probably testicular cancer; if it is a swollen vein it’s harmless. Unless the swelling is obvious. And if it is gristle, start putting some pants on when you prepare food.

Myth: Men should go to the doctor more often

Encouraging the slightly ill to book appointments could even cause harm: waiting times would rise and, besides, hospitals and surgeries are full of nasty germs.

And remember that the only routine health checks possibly worth fretting about – blood pressure and cholesterol – are available at the chemist.

So the chemist is cleaner than a hospital? Even Superdrug? And what about the increase in waiting times at the chemists? What will that do to teenage boys who had just built up enough courage to buy condoms? Do you think they’ll wait for fifteen minutes? Of course not, they’ll have their gangbangs without condoms. What do you think that’ll do the incidence of STDs? And teenage pregnancy? All because you’re too lazy to check my blood pressure!

Myth: Longevity means looking after your heart

True, heart disease strikes blokes at a younger age than women. But crunch a few numbers and things get more interesting. Women certainly win in the lifespan lottery; on average by about four years in the UK. Surprisingly, though, the big player in this difference isn’t heart disease, it’s violent deaths and accidents.

Riiiiiiight. I do realise that our society is going to hell and we’ll be killing our neighbours to eat their dogs before long, but I’d still expect to die of heart disease rather than a violent death or accident. True, I piss people off beyond belief, but if they were going to kill me, it would have happened long ago. And I always look both ways before crossing the street and rarely juggle running chainsaws these days. However, I do eat too much salt, drink too much and do not get enough exercise. Want to adjust your prognosis?

Oh, and doctor, it is not my sole purpose in live to outlive some statistic women. Do I need help?

Myth: Sex can cause heart attacks

Statistically speaking, sex does increase the risk of a heart attack. The average 50-year-old nonsmoking, otherwise well male has a one in a million chance of having a heart attack in any one hour. Almost no chance, in other words. And though sex doubles that risk, twice virtually nothing remains virtually nothing.

Sweet!!! I can start smoking again!!! Sure, it increases the risks of lung cancer ten to twenty times, but how many thirty-year-olds really get lung cancer? Almost none in the UK. And twenty times almost none is still almost none. And even at 50, it’s still far less than the number of people that get a heart attack! Sure, after 50 the risk increases sharply, but not as sharply as the risk of a heart attack. And it takes forever to die from lung cancer. So the chance is still good you’ll die from the sex, rather than the cigarette after. And 50-year-olds shouldn’t be having sex anyway. That’s disgusting.

And this means you can do whatever you want with your doctor’s blessing, as long as it stays statistically insignificant (that’s under 40% by the way). So, taking crack? No problem, as long as you do it dressed as a Buddhist monk while reading Mein Kampf backwards, holding a rabbit by the tail, listening to gangsta rap made by 5-year-old Christian girls who enjoy reading Heidegger. That rarely happens. Dibs!

Myth: Nothing can be done about baldness

There are some products that help with baldness. Minoxidil is one of them. [..] See your GP if despite giving minoxidil a fair try, you remain follicularly challenged.

So, to summarize: don’t bother your doctor with worries about your blood pressure or testicular cancer. He’s busy with real problems. Such as his baldness. And his Minoxidil doesn’t work.