Patrick Simpson

You have to believe me when I say that I tried. I tried. God knows I tried. I tried so hard to stay away from the “scandal” that has been raging in the UK for the past few days around MPs’ expense declarations. Or as it has unavoidably been dubbed: “expensegate”. Sigh. I tried. Because it is just so petty and sad. The amounts involved are you so pathetically low and the response so absurdly vehement, that it depresses me just to think of it.

But I am weak. And I saw this picture of a pair of dusters that some MP I’ve never heard of claimed 99p for. 99p. For fuck’s sake. Dusters. Come on. And a picture of dusters. With a 99p label on it. Why? Why do I have to see this? And it is part of a set. Apparently George Osborne claimed £30 for a personal website. With a picture of Osborne’s website. Which is clearly an MP’s website. Which I would consider an expense. For 30 pounds. Why is this man not running the country if he can get websites for 30 quid? Another example is Peter Mandelson who has the state (yeah, the state, not the taxpayer) pay for his television license so he is allowed to watch state television. Awesome. I am sorry I called you a posh, stuck-up twat, Mr Mandelson. You rule. Another funny one is £30 for a Sky Sports subscription. I have no idea who the two footballers in that photo are, but I am sure they wipe their bums with £30 notes. Yeah, if you’re a footballer people will let you have anything. Even £30 notes. To wipe your bum with. Because you’re important. Finally: John Prescott, broken toilet seat, nuff said.

This series of photos by itself annoyed me, but not as much as the column written by Kirsty Young, in which she makes the case that television journalists are worth their weight in gold. The large picture of Paris Hilton is next to that column, because Paris is the ultimate example of how disgusting decadence is.  Or so I choose to believe. For those of you who are not from the UK or have useful ways of spending your lives, Kirsty Young used to present the news on Channel Five and apparently now presents Crimewatch on the BBC.

In the column Ms Young responds to a broadcast by the BBC in which a peer (a peer is like an MP, but one that is pre-monied, so does not need to steal as much) made a journalist admit she makes £92,000 a year. Or, as the peer responded: That’s nearly twice as much as MPs who do far more important work. Really? MPs make that little? Hahahahaha. No wonder they are trying to squeeze more out of the system. Bless ‘em. So many things make so much sense all of a sudden. That’s why they’re so bloody incompetent. They make about the same as an average IT project manager – excluding those who live in London, because it costs a bloody fortune to live there. Have you ever known an IT project to be done on time? Or well? Exactly. Apparently, For years MPs have quietly sidelined any question of a salary rise for fear of baiting an already disgruntled electorate. Yeah. Sometimes getting something cheaply is not the best way to go, is it? And sometimes the electorate is disgruntled for bad reasons. And sometimes appeasing the electorate’s disgruntlement is not the best policy choice. You really should get some better people on the case. But how?

Anyhow, Ms Young makes the case that it is good that there are highly paid journalists who question MPs toughly. She mentions Jeremy Paxman and John Humphrys, both of whom are very good at their jobs. And very highly paid. Very highly. £30 notes highly. Which is okay; you need to pay to get good people. I just think it would be nice for them if they had good MPs to play with. But good journalists are important; a free and functioning press is the key to a functioning democracy. And good journalists are rough on politicians. Which is okay. As Ms Young puts it: We thankfully no longer live in a world where sycophancy towards those in positions of power is a given. Which is true. But pisses me of when I’ve just seen a picture of two footballers who make millions. And when it is placed under a picture of Paris Hilton. In a column which main point is that the rewards of BBC celebrities should not be questioned. Written by a BBC celebrity. Who made around half a million ten years ago and probably a lot more now. Paid for by the BBC. Or, as they would call it: the taxpayer. That annoys me. Sorry. I’m okay now.

Until I read Ms Young’s closing words: If it takes attack-dogs such as Paxman and Humphrys to expose their hypocrisies, then I for one am happier than ever to pay my licence fee. Yeah, with the taxpayer’s money. Like Mr Mandelson. Grumble.

Oh wait, I live in The Netherlands. Ah. It’s not my problem. Carry on. And Mr Webb, if it helps, I’ll be happy to pay for your dusters.