Patrick Simpson

A disturbing phenomenon seems to be rearing its ugly head in The Netherlands. After decades of healthy figures, sometimes even double-digit growth, the last year has shown shrinking numbers. And our government is doing nothing to reverse the trend. In fact, they’re even closing prisons to accomodate this dramatic fall in the number of prisoners.

Sure, some action is being taken. For example, we’ve started importing prisoners from Belgium, but Belgium is only a small nation and will never be able to able to deliver the number of prisoners we need. The prisoners are doing their part too: according to an announcement made at the National Agency of Correctional Institutions’ open day, they have stopped escaping. And yes, our prisons have open days. All part of the new master plan to make prison more attractive to potential suitors.

One of the root causes seems to be our nation’s recent lack of crime. The murder rate offers a shocking example. In the 90s, this international indicator of hard-assedness easily reached a healthy 1.8 murders per 100,000 people. Now it is a pathetic 0.97. We have been overtaken by Belgium (yeah, rub it in), Kuwait, Italy (okay, perhaps we were living above our station on this one) and Denmark. Denmark, for goodness sake. Surely we must be able to outkill the happiest people alive.

Of course, one of major problems is our national identity. We, the proud harbingers of the ultra-permissive society, are finally running into one its main problems: when nothing is illegal, it is hard to measure up in the international crime rankings. It’s not that we don’t try, but we’re just not very good at making things illegal. We can’t even properly ban smoking. How are we supposed to outlaw real drugs if we can’t even manage this simple case?

There is some positive news to report. For example, our pathetically liberal blasphemy law (3 months imprisonment? And you acquit an author who compares God to a donkey he has sex with? We’ll never beat Kuwait this way) is being replaced by a slightly better law: The intention is to introduce the concept of “indirect insult” and expand an existing law which protects people on the basis of race, age, disability, and sexual orientation to include protection on the basis of religion or “conviction”, which will carry a 12-month sentence. Well, it’s a start. And I, for one, will try my best to fall foul of it.

So, here is how you can help. If you live here, try to find something illegal and do that. A lot. An awful lot. In an obvious way. In front of the police. While shouting Look at me! I’m violating article X:Y of the criminal code! Which is punishable by N years of imprisonment! I should be arrested! And insulting their mothers. Don’t be afraid to get physical with the police officers in question to grab their attention. It is not their fault, they’re just not used to dealing with criminals.

If you don’t live in The Netherlands, why not book a short holiday here and get yourself arrested? We have a bank holiday weekend coming up at the start of June and the weather has been improving. Why not enjoy a nice beer in the sun and get yourself arrested afterwards? I would like to extend a special welcome to the British, who have time and again proven to be up to the task at hand.