Patrick Simpson

The Independent frequently takes some time out from aspiring to be a quality newspaper, to aspire to be a quality tabloid. This leads to such wonderful features as this weeks “The ten best conspiracy theories.” The Independent has clearly been taken over by GCHQ, because everything they write about these conspiracies is just a bunch of plain lies. Lies, I tells yous! But don’t fear, I’m here to expose the truth. Initially, I intended to cover all the conspiracies in one post, but there is just too much truth to be exposed, so this has just turned into a series. Unless they get to me first, of course.

(As a bonus feature this week I’m starting a competition: how long will the GCHQ website continue to display recommendations by Gordon Brown and David Milliband? The winner gets a blog post on a subject of their choice. To enter this competition, simply write your answer – properly encrypted – on a piece of paper and leave it under a rock near your house. You serve the nation with great distinction and are recognised around the world as the best intelligence service. Mwahahahahaha. Thanks, Gordon, that really cheered me up.)

Truth #1 – Apollo Moon Landing

Everyone is aware of the fact that some people believe the moon landing was faked. And, of course, it was faked. But not in the way the loonies at “The Apollo Hoax” believe (or do they? Perhaps they are just the CIA spreading disinformation. Trust nobody!) They think NASA never made it to the moon. And when you look at their website, it know it will be hard to believe these people can be wrong, but they are. The Americans did go to the moon. And so did the British, the Russians, the Chinese, the Australians, the Vikings and even the Dutch. Everyone goes to the moon all the time. Because it is fun! The moon is where the the Illuminati hang out. They have a massive resort there, for the chosen few. They just do not want you lot there, because you are just not that much fun.

People have been able to go to the moon for roughly 75 million years, ever since Xenu planted us here. (Yeah, Scientology is right. Something else they do not want you to know! Especially those pesky wikipedians. You’ll never learn the truth this way. Rise up!) Going to the moon is ridiculously easy. All you need is loads of dodos and CO2. Yeah, CO2. There is no global warming! They just want the CO2 all for themselves! And dodos are not extinct! They are just kept on the moon now, so you can’t get at them! In fact, that was what the Cold War was about. The communists wanted to make the moon available to everyone (by which they of course meant every member of the politburo, not those stinking workers, they’re no fun at all with those bloody sing-alongs all the time; “Arise, ye workers from your slumber,” blah-di-bloody-blah). The Illuminati strongly opposed this, as it was already impossible to get a reservation at the best restaurants without knowing the right people. And if there is one thing the Illuminati do not like, it is not knowing the right people.

So, the entire moon landing was staged by the Americans to create the impression that going to the moon is very, very hard. The Soviets had to play along, as they had been lying to the people about the moon and needed them to keep exhaling CO2. But the Americans made one fatal mistake. Or rather, the Australians did. As the The Apollo Hoax ruthlessly uncovers:

The residents of Honeysuckle Creek, Australia, actually saw a different broadcast to the rest of the World. Just shortly before Armstrong stepped onto the Moons surface, a change could be seen where the picture goes from a stark black to a brighter picture. Honeysuckle Creek stayed with the picture and although the voice transmissions were broadcast from Goldstone, the actual film footage was broadcast from Australia. As Una watched Armstrong walking on the surface of the Moon she spotted a Coke bottle that was kicked in the right hand side of the picture. This was in the early hours of the morning and she phoned her friends to see if they had seen the same thing, unfortunately they had missed it but were going to watch the rebroadcast the next day. Needless to say, the footage had been edited and the offending Coke bottle had been cut out of the film. But several other viewers had seen the bottle and many articles appeared in The West Australian newspaper.

Damn you, Australia. We have been over this hundreds of times. We start running the tape from rejected recording #23 and just before we “go live”, we switch to the correct tape. You agreed to this, Australia! Despite all your complaints about it being to complicated, you agreed. You know LBJ personally directed recording #23 and we owed him a favour for the assassination. You agreed! This is why we moved you to the Indian Ocean to begin with, you passive-aggressive bastards! And you Apollo Hoax people, I would be very careful crossing the road. Accidents will happen, you know what I mean?