Patrick Simpson

According to the Telegraph, French workers have been paid €25,000 to not blow up their factory. Like the French, I too do like not working, so this seems like a good line of business to get into for me. There are many crimes I’m willing not to commit for enough money.

To begin with, I’ll not blow up that factory for a competitive €20,000. Yeah, Frenchies, the free market sucks, doesn’t it? I will also not blow up other factories, but prices may vary, depending on location and benefits.

My non-skills aren’t limited to factories. I am also willing to not commit treason or espionage against any nation or sovereign, not commit piracy or mutiny on the high seas or not cause a fire or explosion in a naval dockyard, ship, magazine or warehouse, or anywhere else for that matter.

I am also willing to not get caught up in dirty international business and not assisinate any government leader or head of state. Not assassinating Sarkozy or Berlusconi will cost extra.