Patrick Simpson

Today has been a bad day for bankers. Not because more countries have decided to tax their bonuses – so far only France have gone this route and bonuses are based on productivity, so this should not have any serious effects. Today they have been confronted with the harsh truth: people do not like bankers very much. You and I already knew this, but bankers probably didn’t. They live a sheltered life of cocaine-fuelled orgies and in between buying Porsches and eating the deliciously prepared babies of extinct species served with wine made from the blood of virgins, they simply do not have the time to read the Guardian.

But the people of Southwold, Suffolk have come to the nation’s rescue. The arcade on Southwold pier now has a ‘whack the banker’ game. As Southwold is a friendly town with none of the problems that so plague the rest of Britain, this has lead to many disappointed inner-city youths who, after making the long and treacherous journey from their drug-infested urban ghettos to the coast, found they were not allowed to use their favourite gun to kill a banker, instead being faced with a machine full of plastic bankers and a rubber mallet. As these youths are not used to exercise other than moving their thumbs and the occasional gang rape, the arcade has not made much money from them. Luckily for the operator, Britain is also home to a large number of people who hate nobody more than people who make them money for doing nothing only twelve years per economic cycle. These people – know as the ‘middle class’ – have flocked to the game in droves.

The game is based on the ‘Whack a mole’ game that was invented by an arcade operator in Genoa, Italy in 1872 as a response to popular disenchantment with moles, after they speculated heavily on coal, causing the price to reach record levels. This game was not an immediate success, as the only way to power it at the time was the steam engine, which took a fortune to operate at the coal price at the time. Its fortunes improved with the invention of the electric motor.

And there is more bad news for bankers. Not only are they less popular than a computer programmer at a party, they are also useless, according to a study by the New Economics Foundation. They are focussed on a new model of wealth creation, based on equality, diversity and economic stability and as such are eminently qualified to conduct independent research on the current model of wealth creation.

According to the study, cleaners create more benefits to society than bankers. Having recently lost both a cleaner and a bank, I’m not too sure of this. Yes, it is a waste of time to clean my own apartment, but this is time I would otherwise have spent doing nothing, whereas the money lost due to the collapse of my bank has left my local pub on the brink of collapse. What is even more worrying is that the report suggests that hospital cleaners and child minders create great benefits to society. What the New Economics Foundation clearly overlooks is the fact that people are the main cause of global warming, so anything that encourages people to reproduce or stay alive will be highly unbeneficial in the long term. Nevertheless, according to the study bankers destroy £7 of value for every pound they create. As the report does not use money as the traditional measure of wealth, but rather as a measure of value to society, I have no idea what it is supposed to mean, but it sounds horrible. If there is anything society needs, it is more value.

So next time you speak to a banker, keep in mind that they have had a rough time. When you call to complain about the fact that you can’t pay the mortgage you used to build a kitchen extension because you also have to pay three credit card bills and go on holiday to the Maldives, just remember that they cry themselves to sleep every night on their satin pillows. And we many not have their money, but we have value! Which is wonderful for society.