Patrick Simpson

The BBC news magazine has a feature titled ‘Who, what, why?’, in which modern developments are explained, such as the anti-stab knive (hint: they removed the sharp, stabby bit). Not being above blatant creative theft and being half made of Dutch people myself, I hereby present the ‘Who, how, what, why’ of the Dutch.

Who are the Dutch?

The Dutch are many things, not least Germans without the talent for efficiency. And they smell of cheese. Really. Despite popular belief, this is not because they eat a lot of cheese; so do the French, and they smell of garlic. In fact, it is due to the popular Dutch pastime ‘kaasklossen’, which is too complex to explain in full here, but involves an insecure and slightly confused cow, rubbing cheese all over one’s body, plenty of patience, a liberal drug policy and a potato.

According to Wikipedia, the Dutch have an aversion to the nonessential[sic]. Which is why The Netherlands is a constitutional monarchy ruled by a Queen who owns a golden coach she uses one day a year to read out a statement prepared by the government.

Said Wikipedia article does not only offer many helpful examples of how to misuse the adjective ‘disinterested’, but also a wealth of information on how to interact with the Dutch. For example, It is considered impolite to enter a house without being invited to. Many nations would consider this burglary, we just think it is impolite. That’s just how liberal the Dutch are. The Dutch value privacy and seldom interact with strangers, no matter where they are from. However this should not discourage foreigners in their actions. Dutch people are curious and when addressed will often try to converse or be of assistance. The best way to get into contact with one of the Dutch is to gain their confidence by approaching them carefully whilst holding out a little treat – the Dutch are particularly keen on deep-fried offal – and making soft encouraging sounds. When the Dutch person feels confident enough, he will take the treat and safe it for later. At this point it will try to engage you in conversation. Do not be shocked by the guttural sounds this involves, they are a crude sign of affection.

The article contains a separate section on Dutch humour, which was apparently all the rage in Europe in the sixteenth century: The main subjects in Dutch jokes at the time were deranged households, drunken clergies (mostly of the Roman Catholic Church) and people with mental and/or physical handicaps. Clearly,  Europe’s tastes changed, because this is still the basis of Dutch comedy, though the drunken priests have been replaced with goat-molesting Muslims. Coincidentally, it is also the basis of modern political manifestos.

For more information on the Dutch, Wikipedia helpfully maintains a list of them.

How to make the Dutch?

The easiest way to make a Dutch person might seem to be procreation between Dutch people. However, getting the Dutch to create offspring has proven as difficult as getting a couple of pandas to formulate a cohesive drug policy. In the past, attempts have been made to produce Dutch people out of Germans. With regards to productivity, this worked amazingly well, but it has turned out to be politically sensitive. Recent attempts to fashion makeshift Dutchies out of Moroccans and Turks have had mixed results, to say the least.

What have the Dutch ever done for me?

The Dutch have made many contributions to the world, in the form of art – Rembrandt, van Gogh and Mondriaan, to name just three; music – by not exporting it; architecture – the Dutch were the first to build entire towns out of blandness; and technology. The Dutch invented such useful tools as the microscope, the telescope, the artificial kidney, the submarine and the pyrometer, which I assume is a tool that measures fire – if it is burning, it is on fire. The invention that probably gives you the most joy in your day-to-day life is the ‘road-rule enforcement camera.’ Whenever you pass one at a safe and legal speed, keep in mind that you have the Dutch to thank for this.

Why the Dutch?

The ultimate reason for the Dutch is not fully clear. Religious people might think they are created by a god for some reason beyond their understanding. Humanists probably think the Dutch people themselves are the reason. Me? I am not sure. But I will say, if the purpose of the Dutch is to keep dragons out of The Netherlands, they are succeeding nicely.