Patrick Simpson

Alex Humphreys, a 23-year-old, English art student is worried about being a spinster and is seeking a husband for her final project: I don’t want to wake up when I’m 30 and think: oh my God, I’m on my own. Having woken up when I’m 30 for roughly seven months now, I have to point out that it does have it advantages. For example, I don’t have to spend Sundays going to IKEA or have discussions about mortgages and car loans. And I don’t have to take the kids to the park. Not that I have anything against children, I just don’t have much to discuss with people who do not read newspapers (the Daily Mail does not count), do not know what happened in Srebrenica or randomly poop themselves. Which incidentally are also the top three reasons I do not like people who vote for the BNP or Geert Wilders.

She has whittled down her list of candidates to 10. Or 5, according to ABC news. Perhaps your lying is one of the reasons you haven’t found anyone to marry? In this article she mentions she has tried internet dating but has found it too expensive. There are of course cheaper or free alternatives, but the American dating coach (yes, I know, but I am just no longer capable of being disappointed by Americans) suggests: If you are looking for someone with money, then you will probably find them on the sites you have to pay for, she said. Which neatly sums up American society.

The Times interview one of the potential husbands and he says My grandparents only knew each other for six months before they got married, and a much higher percentage of arranged marriages stay the course. Though they are generally backed by a healthy support system of honour killings. Although I think we’re not allowed to call them honour killings anymore; I think they’re freedom killings now.

To help separate the idiots with too much time on their hands from the idiots who want to marry someone as part of an art project, Humpreys used an online questionare containing questions such as What was the last book you read? and Are you good in bed (be honest!) I could of course point out that simply adding be honest to a question does not actually make people be honest, but she is hoping to find a husband for an art project on the internet and thinks that will last at least until she is 30; I think the bleeding obvious is completely lost on her.

As I’ve mentioned, I’m already 30 myself and have my fears too. For example, I am terrified I will wake up at 35 and find myself married to an art student. So, I too have composed a questionnaire:

Question 1: Have you read Harry Potter?

Yes means automatic disqualification. I am not a paedophile, neither physically nor mentally

Question 2: Are you good in bed?

Anything except a refusal to answer means disqualification. Bonus points for any creative expletives used.

Question 3: What are your political views?

Answers shorter than 2000 words will not be read.

Question 4: How much money do you make?

Less is better. With my personality, financial dependence is the key to a long-term relationship.

Question 5: Are you prone to violence against people who insult you, your family or your beliefs?

Obviously, yes is bad. Very, very bad.

Question 6: I am a Nigerian prince. My father has just died and his fortune is tied up in the legal system. I need some money to bribe officials to release it. Can you help?